How it should have been

This picture came up on my Timehop app earlier this week and really stirred up some emotions for me. I instinctively thought, "This is how it should have been". My Dad should be here right now actively engaging with his granddaughters. But he is not. Instead, Alzheimer's stole his brain and stole from me my Dad and stole from my daughters their Grandfather. I know it does me no use to be angry. To be sad. But by gosh, sometimes I just am.

It's easy to wallow in my misery and think about all the reasons it's not fair that Dad isn't here. To think about how savage of a disease Alzheimer's is. To remember the physical and mental decline of Dad. To remember how single minded he could be because he was confused. To remember how his brain played such tricks on him so that it wasn't safe for him to live at home anymore. To remember how he would lose his temper with my daughters because he lost that filter that we adults have.  To remember him losing the ability to speak, to dance, to walk, to recognize me. I mean, yes, I can have myself a good old pity party. But it does me no good. My sadness and anger doesn't bring him back.

I am forever thankful and grateful for the memories I do have with Dad. I am so thankful I moved him and Mom down here so that I could create so many memories with him. I am so grateful I was a part of his every day life, that I was engaged with all aspects of his care. I will forever be grateful that I was "his" person. He didn't remember my name or that I was his daughter, but he knew he was safe with me and for that, I will forever be grateful.

It truly is just absurd that now my Mother has Alzheimer's. Talk about throwing yourself a pity party! Separate from the Alzheimer's Mom is totally different from Dad in that she isn't engaged with my daughters, because that is who she is. So that brings up it's own emotions. Here again, I am thankful that I am actively engaged with Mom's daily care. I am present to her needs and make sure she is taken care of to the very best of my ability.

My goal of my Tuesday posts is to help others navigate through the trails and tribulations of eldercare. Thus far, I have provided more tangible information about eldercare lawyers, living options, and Medicare resources. Today is more of an emotional post but I suppose that is important too. It feels good to be around people who just "know". Who can look at your situation and not judge because they have walked down that path too. Know I am one of those people for you. I get the pain of watching a parent (and now two) crumble into this awful disease. Know that I get the struggles of ensuring your parent(s) is taken care of. Know that I get how difficult it is to physically walk away and close the locked door as your Dad is wanting to go with you, but he can't. Know that I know how exhausting it can be to do this all on your own. I know.